la la land

It’s been a few days since I have written to you. My sleep and wake have been filled with details and daydreams of the bbq. I have been so worried about anyone finding out~ I am jumpy like they already know and I am torn between feeling guilt and wanting more.


My dreams are so vivid- his lips, his touch, his beating chest against my hand. His warm tongue working in my mouth back and forth, as if they too are also making out as we were. Then the pastor walks in. I feel like I am going to pee myself as he sends Kevin out of the room. Room? How did we get here? I try to wake but I am unable to…He pulls me up from the chair and looks at the wet spot in the center and bends me over his desk and he lifts my dress and says “heathen” as he starts to spank my bare bum. “I have to pee “ I keep crying out, but he doesn’t stop and just before I pee I wake up. What the hell is wrong with me I yell inside my head, as I rush downstairs to the bathroom.

If my dreams aren’t enough I spend my days day dreaming he will be at the door and we can sneak off again to the shed and continue where we left off. I think of this often and long. My mom thinks I am doing drugs or something because I am not listening. The last place I want to go is back to him. I’m fine I tell them I just was thinking. Then they want to know what about….university…that works.

University, man only a month to go- I’ll be bunking with I hope some of my friends so far Jane and Suze are the only ones for sure going. Got my books already and maybe mom is right I should go get a job or something so I can get out of la la land.