la la land

It’s been a few days since I have written to you. My sleep and wake have been filled with details and daydreams of the bbq. I have been so worried about anyone finding out~ I am jumpy like they already know and I am torn between feeling guilt and wanting more.

My dreams are so vivid- his lips, his touch, his beating chest against my hand. His warm tongue working in my mouth back and forth, as if they too are also making out as we were. Then the pastor walks in. I feel like I am going to pee myself as he sends Kevin out of the room. Room? How did we get here? I try to wake but I am unable to…He pulls me up from the chair and looks at the wet spot in the center and bends me over his desk and he lifts my dress and says “heathen” as he starts to spank my bare bum. “I have to pee “ I keep crying out, but he doesn’t stop and just before I pee I wake up. What the hell is wrong with me I yell inside my head, as I rush downstairs to the bathroom.

If my dreams aren’t enough I spend my days day dreaming he will be at the door and we can sneak off again to the shed and continue where we left off. I think of this often and long. My mom thinks I am doing drugs or something because I am not listening. The last place I want to go is back to him. I’m fine I tell them I just was thinking. Then they want to know what about….university…that works.

University, man only a month to go- I’ll be bunking with I hope some of my friends so far Jane and Suze are the only ones for sure going. Got my books already and maybe mom is right I should go get a job or something so I can get out of la la land.

A Strange Warm Glow

I just had to write you tonight…I am afraid that if I don’t write now I won’t remember all the details in the morning.

Every summer our family puts on a block barbeque. Even the old neighbours that move away still come back to the bbq every year. With being in school, I don’t pay much attention to who my neighbours are as so many have moved as their kids have grown and I figure in a few more years my parents will do the same.

My parents invited their own friends to the bbq, and their kids who were about the same age as me. We grew up together somewhat, but didn’t attend the same schools. We would visit about once a month either at their home or ours. The one boy (Kevin), who was closest to my age was my height (stocky) with blonde curly hair. His family was not religious at all which always struck me odd but apparently my dad grew up with his dad and kept in touch.

I was not very social as I wasn’t allowed to hang out after schools or attend sports/band stuff. I tried to fight them on it but I never won. Anyways…

I grabbed a plate of food and went to hide by the shed/nut trees. I guess Kevin followed me because before I even started to eat there he was. I jumped and he laughed. I hated that my spot was found. He lit a cigarette and I was surprised he smoked. I guess I didn’t really know him that well so we talked for a bit (bout sports n music and stuff) and I started to feel kinda weird –like he was staring at me funny. I kept asking him what was wrong, and he kept saying ‘nothing’.

After I finished eating he asked if there was somewhere we could go to get away from everyone else. I asked why and he said that he didn’t want to be bothered by anyone. I figured we were fine there and I didn’t want to take him to my other spot -it was bad enough he knew of this one.

We talked or more like I talked for what seemed to be an eternity when he just reached over and kissed me on my mouth. I gasped for air at that point. I had never felt lips like that before. I mean when I was little my grandma once kissed me on my lips and this definitely didn’t feel the same. Kevin’s lips were so soft and warm. My heart was racing and I felt flushed and out of breath. I was covered with goose bumps. I tried to move back a bit but there was nowhere to move back to. He stayed close to me almost nose to nose, he was smiling and he rubbed my arm gently. I didn’t look him in the eyes-I couldn’t…

He asked in a deep whisper “Can I kiss you again?” and before I could answer his lips were on mine. He was directly over top of me-kneeling in between my legs that were lying flat and open slightly in a v. He brushed his lips along mine. My hands had clenched the dirt around me as my breathing was shallow and I felt every part of my lip with his- it was like little pin pricks. I felt like the pin pricks travelled down my body to my vagina and with every sensation I felt above –below would throb. Then he touched my bottom lip with the tip of his tongue. It was like warm chocolate. He paused for a moment and I caught my breath. “Follow what I do”, he whispered in my ear. He placed his lips over mine and slowly our lips were moulded together. His fingers were gently caressing my cheek. It felt so amazing, my vagina was throbbing like a separate heartbeat of its own, and then he slipped his tongue in and reached for mine which sent me practically through the roof. I let out a small groan. He took my hand and placed it on his chest. His heart was racing too, but I noticed more how his chest was solid. I also aware of how he smelled rugged and earthy -I did the weirdest thing… I took my hand off his chest and took his and placed it on my chest, which made his breathing become rapid as he gasped slightly, realizing what I just did I almost was about to take his hand away- and instead his finger moved over towards my nipple and lightly rubbed over top making it hard and sensitive. My vagina was aching like crazy, and this time I was sure I soaked my panties. I could barely keep my eyes open I felt like I was gonna pass out. A twig snapped and I immediately came back to earth and pushed him off not that I was strong enough but he quickly settled down beside me again. It was his brother, they had to leave. Inside I didn’t want him to go- I didn’t want it to end but I knew it needed to. I felt like everything was a dream and for the rest of the afternoon I stayed hidden under the nut tree behind the shed; hoping partly he would come back. I napped while there dreaming of our kisses and wondered why I hadn’t experienced this before…oh ya I was at a girls school~ I chuckled to myself…duh…


I can’t trust this to stay home now…too much has been said. I’ll start wearing my back pack and that way my journal will stay with me.

Returning Tomorrow?

Well i guess it's been a few days or so since my last post. Part of me is a little scared of posting these memories and the journal and part of me feels that no one would care anyways...but here goes

Summer has proved to be just as I imagined it. Hot sunny days, lots of beach time with my friends and meeting new friends. Although it is hot and humid my body is covered with goose bumps as shivers run down my back. This has been the best of my life and I'm torn between not wanting it to end and imagining what’s next to come.

After all the swimming and tanning I returned home and went upstairs to change. Looking into the full length mirror I feel shame. Wearing a full bathing suit my body seems awkward. It’s curvy but I feel like a stranger in it. The girls at the beach looked beautiful wearing their bikinis, jumping around like it’s nothing.

I take off my bathing suit with my eyes shut. I don’t want to see. But yet I peek. My breast are kind of large but my areola is kind of pouty –they don’t point upwards…they are heavy after all. I don’t like having pubic hair but mom says I am not allowed to take it off. When I look at myself longer I don’t mind so much then…it’s like I am used to seeing me and compared to no one else I don’t look bad.

I slip into a summer dress and stare at myself in the mirror. I have never worn this dress without a slip or bra and it being white it showed an outline of my legs. I turned and looked at the back of me in the mirror and you could faintly see and outline of my bumb. I bent over to touch my toes and looked at my reflection in the mirror and the dress was short enough that I could see my vagina peeking through. The hair was wet with a white gooey stuff (which I have seen lots before) but for some reason I decided to touch it. It felt warm and slippery and as I rubbed my finger around my area, I found this one spot I touched was very sensitive. It was like a hard bump and it made my body feel warm and the bump was like hot I guess but on the inside. My nipples were hard and as I looked at my reflection it looked kinda neat. My heart started to race as I still stood there bent over with my bumb facing the mirror –and then I stopped.

I didn’t want to …I wanted to rub it more but I stopped. I remembered that I don’t have a lock on my door. I remember years of God is watching you …and you never know when someone might come in. And I certainly don’t need to see any pastors or get more lectures. I do remember in sex ed the teacher saying this was normal –the goo and all, but that we weren’t supposed to touch it-its only for when you’re married.

She also said that boys had wet dreams and sometimes they would wake to find it in their bed and shorts but it was normal and because they were sleeping it was ok. But for us, to get wet dreams is rare but when it happens we need to make sure our mind is pure and only thinking of God. I still don’t get God sometimes, why does it seems He favours boys over us, why doesn’t He like us...or me?

I’m going to bed …hopefully I fall asleep quick and maybe I can have a wet dream and not be in trouble.

Under Construction

Today, I am cramming photoshop and dreamweaver into my brain. I have a headache now and haven't thought much of reading /writing today. Personalizing this blog and putting my own touch on it is taking priority at the moment. I will return tomorrow.

The path left behind

As I read through my journal I am reminded of memories since long forgotten. Yesterday, I thought I would copy right from my journal into my first post. Today however, through reading some of these notes, I find that some are maybe better left unsaid or instead of written verbatim, perhaps more of a synopsis overview till we get to the juicy details.
I can tell you a bit about my past:

I was very young in both mind and body. I was intimidated by men. I saw how they looked at me with their eyes -almost like I could read their minds. It made me feel dirty and guilty- like it was my fault they saw me. Looking at my pictures of my younger years I developed fast into a woman. Although I was 12, I already had the body of a 15 year old; and even more so when I was 16, I looked that of a young adult. Not much different than some of today’s teens.

I was struggling with both the carnal nature of being human versus the way God wanted me to be. I remember from my own accounts as well as reading my journal the internal sexual struggle that plagued me daily. I was of a very sexually curious nature while touching my body and yet there was a naughty and shamefulness of 'God watching me'. I didn't record my memories as they happened because when I was younger and had a diary my parents would read it anyways. And the few things I jotted in there was enough to send me to the pastor for counselling. Even then, while the pastor was 'counselling me on the devil and his ways', I was very aroused and felt dirty. Ironically, I remember that I had run out of clean underwear, as it was my responsibility to do laundry, thus I had gone to the meeting without panties while wearing a dress. I would have done laundry if I knew of the meeting, however it was a secret until it was too late to do anything about it. My fighting it just proved to my parents even more that I needed this-they didn't understand why nor did they care to find out.

During the meeting while sitting there with my vagina throbbing internally just made it feel hot and wet, I swear the pastor knew of my sin, his voice was almost hypnotic and it appeared to be getting louder and i felt flushed with my head spinning. I almost passed out when I felt his hands on my shoulders which at that moment I jumped and he said It is finished. The Lord has cleaned your spirit. You felt it didn't you?, he asked - To that all I could think was this is what God wants me to feel? Or was this the devil in disguise? Not wanting to drag this out further I agreed with him and secretly vowed to never write my feelings again -never speak them- I didn't want to end up here again.

Even as I am reading this and re-living, I am aroused, now with sound mind and eyes open it still affects me. It is probably why I am naughtier now in both my fantasies and in real life sex. As an adult, I realize there are no rules except the ones you create - and whether god or God is watching or not it is completely human in its rawest dirtiest sense and it is fine. We were created with everything we are now. Too me there is no good or bad -it’s just life and its great.

I think it funny when I hear others speak of missing the good ole days and most of them being men that say this...well of course they had more freedoms less to be guilty for - we on the other hand suffered slightly. Sexual freedom was not in our vocabulary, we were owned either by our fathers or husbands, a woman could not complain of abuse and if we ever spoke of equality I am sure that meant further punishment or even death! Today’s playing field is more even -well...maybe even titling in our favour more so, but I would never wish to be in the good ole days. I am sure the only women who would speak that phrase are brainwashed themselves.

 So, in closing, I feel that enough time has passed that I can share these with you. I am no longer punishing myself because I was not at fault for what I felt or did. In sharing these with you I feel a sort of freedom in sexuality and brings the spark and fire alive in its telling. I also feel analysing this, that the irony of what should have been normal was over exaggerated and heightened my feeling of shame and dirtiness. My parents and the church fostered what they thought I was feeling when all it did was warp it sexually. It took me years to get past and sort the confusion of sex to get to this point in my life- acceptance and freedom without guilt or shame and I have to be honest, the same feelings are still there but that just heightens the moment.

Red Riding

I have just graduated from my all girls school. It was fun when I was younger but, it got bored fast. I would listen to my cousins talk of the fun they had at school and I would feel a pinch jealous. I mean don't get me wrong, we had our shares of pranks n such but nothing that involved boys. I felt like i had been a chia girl grown in a box -unexposed to the elements needed to be successful and fearless to this point now. With a couple of months before university, at least I could use this time to play catch-up. I certainly didn't want to be the odd one out even though my parents say that the university is going to be full of odd ones other than me

My family, very nice and caring -try to be understanding but very religous, lol, much like the teachers of my school, but I don't feel the way they do about God and the afterlife. I had so many questions and I could not get the answers I needed from either of them. I wouldn't have dared to even start writing in a journal till now. You see, there are no locks on doors, no sense of  'real' privacy especially with God watching but now that I am old enough maybe I have earned some respect/trust. But just in case I have hidden this away and will not write anything more till i start school again. Very fun and against my parents most dire wishes, not only will I be attending one of the  great universtities of our province, but I will be living on campus. See you soon,

ps. I have decided on the name RRHood(Red Riding Hood)as my siggy, because I feel like she did in the stories, sheltered, innocent and among the wolves. My parents drilled into me that those who don't believe are wolves and to watch out for thier cunning lies. The only reason they finally gave into me joining this university rather than the christian one; was that I was to join the christian saints group for spiritual protection during 'my desert times' like Jesus as they put it.