Well i guess it's been a few days or so since my last post. Part of me is a little scared of posting these memories and the journal and part of me feels that no one would care anyways...but here goes
Summer has proved to be just as I imagined it. Hot sunny days, lots of beach time with my friends and meeting new friends. Although it is hot and humid my body is covered with goose bumps as shivers run down my back. This has been the best of my life and I'm torn between not wanting it to end and imagining what’s next to come.
After all the swimming and tanning I returned home and went upstairs to change. Looking into the full length mirror I feel shame. Wearing a full bathing suit my body seems awkward. It’s curvy but I feel like a stranger in it. The girls at the beach looked beautiful wearing their bikinis, jumping around like it’s nothing.
I take off my bathing suit with my eyes shut. I don’t want to see. But yet I peek. My breast are kind of large but my areola is kind of pouty –they don’t point upwards…they are heavy after all. I don’t like having pubic hair but mom says I am not allowed to take it off. When I look at myself longer I don’t mind so much then…it’s like I am used to seeing me and compared to no one else I don’t look bad.
I slip into a summer dress and stare at myself in the mirror. I have never worn this dress without a slip or bra and it being white it showed an outline of my legs. I turned and looked at the back of me in the mirror and you could faintly see and outline of my bumb. I bent over to touch my toes and looked at my reflection in the mirror and the dress was short enough that I could see my vagina peeking through. The hair was wet with a white gooey stuff (which I have seen lots before) but for some reason I decided to touch it. It felt warm and slippery and as I rubbed my finger around my area, I found this one spot I touched was very sensitive. It was like a hard bump and it made my body feel warm and the bump was like hot I guess but on the inside. My nipples were hard and as I looked at my reflection it looked kinda neat. My heart started to race as I still stood there bent over with my bumb facing the mirror –and then I stopped.
I didn’t want to …I wanted to rub it more but I stopped. I remembered that I don’t have a lock on my door. I remember years of God is watching you …and you never know when someone might come in. And I certainly don’t need to see any pastors or get more lectures. I do remember in sex ed the teacher saying this was normal –the goo and all, but that we weren’t supposed to touch it-its only for when you’re married.
She also said that boys had wet dreams and sometimes they would wake to find it in their bed and shorts but it was normal and because they were sleeping it was ok. But for us, to get wet dreams is rare but when it happens we need to make sure our mind is pure and only thinking of God. I still don’t get God sometimes, why does it seems He favours boys over us, why doesn’t He like us...or me?
I’m going to bed …hopefully I fall asleep quick and maybe I can have a wet dream and not be in trouble.